Amy Raw

raw |rô|
adjective
(of an emotion or quality)
• frank and realistic in the depiction of unpleasant facts or situations: a raw, uncompromising portrait.

Yikes! Are you ready for this? Not sure that I am. (This may be a long post.)

I am loving this reading schedule! I have never gotten so much out of my devotion time before! I think it has a lot to do with journaling, blogging, highlighting and prayer. I know the Bible has not changed, and God has not changed. I am the variable here.

I noticed something on Saturday! I didn't sit down and have my regular quiet time. I read a couple verses using my YouVersion app on my phone. What I noticed is that I craved the Word all day. I wanted to sit down and dig in, but just never did it. On Sunday it felt like it had been so long since I had sat with my Bible, journal and pen, but when I looked at my notes I had only missed one day - Saturday. I rejoiced in that! It has not been a chore to take this time out, it has been a joy and I miss it when I don't do it. It was just as off putting as if I had not had my pot of coffee for the day. Because I have had those days when I didn't get coffee, or I had coffee, but it wasn't good coffee, so then I craved my favorite brew all day. That's how I felt all day - just off and missing it. The reason I only read a few verses is because I was still mulling over what I had learned in the days just passed. I didn't feel ready to add more - I think next time I will review my notes and maybe reread some of the scriptures so I don't feel like I'm missing so much.

Why is that such an exciting observation for me? Well, devotions are a regular part of my life, but in times past I would miss a day here and there and just feel guilty about it. But this really feeling like I am missing out is what I have been praying for. (That I would hunger and thirst for the Word) Devotion time is not for God. He does not benefit when I read my Bible. I am the one who benefits by growing, learning and drawing closer to Him. The feeling of me missing out (I am the one who loses) is the correct view.

So enough of that. Now do you want to hear about what I learned about me this week? It's not pretty. I only write this because I feel like I'm supposed to. I know that it's when people get real that I am truly touched. I like to be the one hearing these stories, not telling them.

It's amazing how God works! When I began to pray for my own transformation I didn't even begin to think about the work it would take, and that it more than likely would start immediately. (Yes, I am often called naive.) I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I hoped the transformation would be gradual - maybe at the end of the year I could look back and reflect on ways I had grown and ways God had changed me. As if it's all up to God, and I have no responsibilities in it.

My imagination and reality are polar opposittes!

This week has been test after test - a constant questioning voice in my head, "Do you really want this?" "Are you willing to work for it?" "Are you gonna throw in the towel and just be content with life as you know it?" If you know me at all you know that words like these make me say things like, "Watch me!"  and  "You ain't seen nothin' yet!" But this week I was saying "Watch me" through tears and sobs. I'm tellin' ya... It was rough! But nobody would have known it from the outside. The war was raging on the inside. It was an intense spiritual battle, and I know better to think that it's over.

I will just give you a small example. I am not giving you every raw detail of my week. It's between me and God, baby!

Friday in Bible study we talked about the fruits of the spirit being choices. I know love is a choice, but I guess I never put it all together that way before. Joy is a choice. Peace is a choice. Longsuffering is a choice. Gentleness is a choice... We talked about these characteristics not only being actions, but first attitudes. I love Bible study! I love getting together and hearing the insights and different perspectives of others who read the same scriptures and study books. It is so eye opening! 

Being touched by thoughts and words shared I determined to "choose joy." 

I left feeling energized, encouraged, (after my hard week of battle) uplifted and joyful! 

It really means nothing to choose joy in your wedding day... or on the day of the birth of your healthy new baby... or on Christmas morning...

It was not long into the day that I began to ask myself, "Why did I have to choose joy today?". (I thought the storm was bad so far... I was headed right into the eye of it.) I was put to the test, and I failed miserably for about 10 hours. Boy, I tried, but I continued to choose anger, and fear till about 10pm when my husband spoke a "magical" sentence that made it all ok. (No, it was not "I love you" or "I was wrong" or "I'm sorry") All day I was fighting sadness, anger, frustration - wanting so badly to surrender, submit and trust, but was never quite able to. So really I didn't choose joy at all. I think I learned a lot. I hope the next time my choice it tested I will do better. 

Another prayer of mine is that I would truly LOVE the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. It is one thing to say it, but what does it mean? What would it look like in me? In learning little by little what that means, my love for everybody else is being tested. Love my neighbor as myself? Love my husband as myself? Do I care for his needs and desires in life above my own? Love my son as myself? Training him and teaching him in unselfish ways so that I do not teach him to be more angry and frustrated by my own reactions. (Just writing this sentence makes me think of the words of his amazing 5th grade teacher, "Act, don't react!")

I see God's love for me as He works in me to meet my spiritual needs before my physical or financial needs - no fun at all, but a huge blessing when the storm clears and the tears dry up, and I can see the beauty that was created through it and His hand at work in me. 

This post is long enough...
To Be Continued...