Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Amy Raw Part 2: Help My Unbelief

One verse that really helped me in my recent struggle is Ephesians 6:12
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. 

It was not until Thursday of last week that I realized this battle I was fighting was not with me alone. It was a serious spiritual battle. So, that was at least four days into it. It was then that I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

It continues to be a lesson in trust and a test of faith. I am thankful for it, because I like the person I am now so much better than the person I was three weeks ago. I know most of you may not be able to tell the difference, but I can. I'd rather live with this me than that me. I think the other people I live with would agree.

God used a number of different people, medias, and His Word to speak to me through my battle. What a blessing.

Words from a dear friend that at first caused me to struggle more. I didn't want to give in that way. It required trusting somebody else to do a job I considered mine. Not a job I enjoy, but being a control freak, a job I didn't trust anybody else with. When I realized the advice was right and what I need to do is trust God... Trust God to work through this other person to do the job right. Trust God to work though this other person to do this job BETTER THAN ME. Trust God with this job.

Again, similar advice was spoken to me from a CD I was listening to. 

Well, it was a lot of inner turmoil, and 
"God, I don't know if I can let go." 
"Amy, do you trust me?" 
After hours of "Yes, but..." Finally I was able to say, "Yes, I trust You fully. This is in Your hands." 

I am telling you! Almost immediate beauty in the situation. (And not only that one particular situation, but also a number of my heavy burdens during this time.) I stepped out of it, and... speechless!

What am I thinking! Stay out of God's way! 

God you are awesome! Thank You for proving Yourself to me again. Help my unbelief!




10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; 
Ephesians 6:10-18










Monday, February 25, 2013

Amy Raw

raw |rĂ´|
adjective
(of an emotion or quality)
• frank and realistic in the depiction of unpleasant facts or situations: a raw, uncompromising portrait.

Yikes! Are you ready for this? Not sure that I am. (This may be a long post.)

I am loving this reading schedule! I have never gotten so much out of my devotion time before! I think it has a lot to do with journaling, blogging, highlighting and prayer. I know the Bible has not changed, and God has not changed. I am the variable here.

I noticed something on Saturday! I didn't sit down and have my regular quiet time. I read a couple verses using my YouVersion app on my phone. What I noticed is that I craved the Word all day. I wanted to sit down and dig in, but just never did it. On Sunday it felt like it had been so long since I had sat with my Bible, journal and pen, but when I looked at my notes I had only missed one day - Saturday. I rejoiced in that! It has not been a chore to take this time out, it has been a joy and I miss it when I don't do it. It was just as off putting as if I had not had my pot of coffee for the day. Because I have had those days when I didn't get coffee, or I had coffee, but it wasn't good coffee, so then I craved my favorite brew all day. That's how I felt all day - just off and missing it. The reason I only read a few verses is because I was still mulling over what I had learned in the days just passed. I didn't feel ready to add more - I think next time I will review my notes and maybe reread some of the scriptures so I don't feel like I'm missing so much.

Why is that such an exciting observation for me? Well, devotions are a regular part of my life, but in times past I would miss a day here and there and just feel guilty about it. But this really feeling like I am missing out is what I have been praying for. (That I would hunger and thirst for the Word) Devotion time is not for God. He does not benefit when I read my Bible. I am the one who benefits by growing, learning and drawing closer to Him. The feeling of me missing out (I am the one who loses) is the correct view.

So enough of that. Now do you want to hear about what I learned about me this week? It's not pretty. I only write this because I feel like I'm supposed to. I know that it's when people get real that I am truly touched. I like to be the one hearing these stories, not telling them.

It's amazing how God works! When I began to pray for my own transformation I didn't even begin to think about the work it would take, and that it more than likely would start immediately. (Yes, I am often called naive.) I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I hoped the transformation would be gradual - maybe at the end of the year I could look back and reflect on ways I had grown and ways God had changed me. As if it's all up to God, and I have no responsibilities in it.

My imagination and reality are polar opposittes!

This week has been test after test - a constant questioning voice in my head, "Do you really want this?" "Are you willing to work for it?" "Are you gonna throw in the towel and just be content with life as you know it?" If you know me at all you know that words like these make me say things like, "Watch me!"  and  "You ain't seen nothin' yet!" But this week I was saying "Watch me" through tears and sobs. I'm tellin' ya... It was rough! But nobody would have known it from the outside. The war was raging on the inside. It was an intense spiritual battle, and I know better to think that it's over.

I will just give you a small example. I am not giving you every raw detail of my week. It's between me and God, baby!

Friday in Bible study we talked about the fruits of the spirit being choices. I know love is a choice, but I guess I never put it all together that way before. Joy is a choice. Peace is a choice. Longsuffering is a choice. Gentleness is a choice... We talked about these characteristics not only being actions, but first attitudes. I love Bible study! I love getting together and hearing the insights and different perspectives of others who read the same scriptures and study books. It is so eye opening! 

Being touched by thoughts and words shared I determined to "choose joy." 

I left feeling energized, encouraged, (after my hard week of battle) uplifted and joyful! 

It really means nothing to choose joy in your wedding day... or on the day of the birth of your healthy new baby... or on Christmas morning...

It was not long into the day that I began to ask myself, "Why did I have to choose joy today?". (I thought the storm was bad so far... I was headed right into the eye of it.) I was put to the test, and I failed miserably for about 10 hours. Boy, I tried, but I continued to choose anger, and fear till about 10pm when my husband spoke a "magical" sentence that made it all ok. (No, it was not "I love you" or "I was wrong" or "I'm sorry") All day I was fighting sadness, anger, frustration - wanting so badly to surrender, submit and trust, but was never quite able to. So really I didn't choose joy at all. I think I learned a lot. I hope the next time my choice it tested I will do better. 

Another prayer of mine is that I would truly LOVE the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. It is one thing to say it, but what does it mean? What would it look like in me? In learning little by little what that means, my love for everybody else is being tested. Love my neighbor as myself? Love my husband as myself? Do I care for his needs and desires in life above my own? Love my son as myself? Training him and teaching him in unselfish ways so that I do not teach him to be more angry and frustrated by my own reactions. (Just writing this sentence makes me think of the words of his amazing 5th grade teacher, "Act, don't react!")

I see God's love for me as He works in me to meet my spiritual needs before my physical or financial needs - no fun at all, but a huge blessing when the storm clears and the tears dry up, and I can see the beauty that was created through it and His hand at work in me. 

This post is long enough...
To Be Continued...



Monday, February 18, 2013

Loud and Clear!

Today's message came in loud and clear, and was completely convicting.

I am through Mark, and am now reading through Luke - 3 chapters at a time.

Today I read Luke 4-6 which begins with Jesus being led by the Spirit into the wilderness for 40 days being tempted of the devil and having nothing to eat. When I read verse 4 today I was completely convicted! I missed a few days in the word last week, but I ate three times each day at least, and I thought about food a lot more than that.

Forgive me for not being very eloquent right now. I am just being very real, and expressing where I am at right now. I just don't want to take all day perfecting this blog.

Anyway, I began to think more about the verse on my subtitle Job 23:12 "I have desired the words of His mouth more than my necessary food." I know this is not true of me, but it is a prayer of mine, and I can see God working in me as He opens my eyes to the truth about me. When I read about Jesus not eating for 40 days and then the words of Christ... "It is written, that man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God." followed by the reference to Deuteronomy 8:3 "And He humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did they fathers know: that He might make thee know that man doth not live be bread only, but by every word that doth proceed out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live."...

I know I am not there yet, but I will continue to pray that God will work in me and bring me to a place that His word is more important to me than food in a very literal way. That I would replace my thoughts of food throughout the day with thoughts of scriptures, that my cravings would be more and more satisfied by Bible verses rather than snacks, and that my thirsting would be quenched by the "milk of the Word." (1 Peter 2:2)

I need to get my priorities right. I am thankful that I can see and feel God working in me. I am working on becoming more of a "Wordy" than a "Foody".

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Pressed Down, Shaken Together, and Running Over

That's how I am feeling right now in my Bible reading. I want to blog all that I am learning, all the messages I receive as I read The Word, because I want to remember it all and retain it all. Sometimes I feel like I am in overload mode, and I can't take in anymore.

Each day before I read my Bible I "prayerfully ask God for a message to me" as Mr. LaHaye instructs. It seems like such a simple thing, but I think this is really key. Asking God to help me focus my attention on what I am reading, and what He is trying to say to me, and to prepare my heart for His Word helps me to really shut everything else out which can be very hard to do at times.

Do you ever incorporate music in your quiet time? Lately I have been singing or reading the words to "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" before I start to pray and read. 

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth become strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."

It is so neat how this song really helps me to develop a laser focus, and allows everything else around me to just melt away.

I have been reading the gospel of Matthew for the last few weeks. Growing up in church I think I have taken a lot of things for granted. I've known "it" my whole life. There was never a real life changing moment when I realized Jesus loved me. I've known that fact as long as I have known my own name. It is a gift and a blessing to grow up in a Christian home, and I have always been thankful. But, one of the things that I have always just taken for granted and never paid it due awe is the words of our Savior in red. As I have been reading the New Testament this time I have really been focusing my attention more on the fact that Jesus actually spoke these words... trying to imagine His voice speaking, (I know He was not speaking in english. Don't get technical with me.) and the significance His words have to us in our day - to me today - knowing that the wisdom of the Bible is timeless. It is for us right now just as much as it was for those He spoke aloud to years ago. 

There are so many verses in Matthew that help to grow ones faith, to encourage one to daily give up their own will to follow God's, to strengthen ones trust in the Lord to supply every need, because He knows what we need before we do, to know HE IS ABLE!, and to build a passion for the great commission. 

I love the "O, ye of little faith" verses. God has done this and this and this, and yet you doubt he can do that for you?!?! He has created Heaven and earth and all that is in them, He is able to... I love to pray these words when I feel like life as I know it is crumbling around me or someone I love. It is so encouraging to remember He is all powerful and in full control at all times! "God Is Able!" I have highlighted these 3 words in Matt. 3:9 along with many other verses in the book.

As I go back and read my notes even just 2 weeks later I realize I have not retained it all. I had forgotten many of the thoughts and messages that I had written down. This is why it is so important to journal as you read your Bible and pray. (It is so fun to go back and read a prayer journal, mark the ones that have been answered, and give Him praise!) So this is why I feel pressed down, shaken together and running over. I just can't retain every word and thought, but He gives it to me in the moments when I need them. And that is a true blessing.